


One Mistake After Another

by uglypastels



Series: Mistakes [1]
Category: Harrison Osterfield - Fandom, tom holland - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Cheating, Drinking, F/M, Pining, Pregnancy, break-up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-12
Updated: 2019-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:54:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 16,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26561716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/uglypastels/pseuds/uglypastels
Relationships: Tom Holland / Reader, harrison osterfield / reader
Series: Mistakes [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1931770
Comments: 1
Kudos: 12





	1. I

You woke up with a horrible, _horrible_ , headache. Everything was spinning around you as you tried to get up. You felt like you could throw up any minute so took the reasonable decision to keep your head on the pillow. You tried to take long and deep breaths to get the world from making so many 360 turns. You just needed everything to stop moving.

But one thing wasn’t moving. The arm around your waist. It gave you warmth and comfort. Not really thinking about it, you cuddled into your boyfriend’s embrace.

It took you a whole of ten seconds to realize something was wrong. Your heart stopped. Everything in your body froze. Because this couldn’t be your boyfriend. Your boyfriend was off filming Spider-Man in… what was it, Venice? No, he was in New York. Yeah, you remembered because he had just come back from set when you were getting ready to head out with…

“Harrison?” You opened your eyes, blinking a few times before your vision had completely focused on the mop of dark blonde curls in front of you. Harrison slowly opened his eyes. You weren’t sure if it was your confused mumbling that had woken him up but when he looked at you and noticed the position you two were lying in he was much quicker to realize.

“Jesus Christ, y/n, you scared the shit out of me.” He let go of you. Groaning and massaging his temple as he was also living through a hell of a hangover. You looked at him horrified. Shaking, not believing what you were seeing in front of you. He was shirtless and the chances of him wearing anything under the covers were minuscule. Especially since you could feel that you were naked yourself. Your head was spinning again.

Harrison looked at you, having heard your uneven breathing. “Hey, y/n you alright?”

“No, I’m not fucking alright!” Harrison was about to put his hand on your shoulder to try and comfort you but as you shouted he pulled away quickly. You quickly realized shouting was not the best thing to do in your state as your head thumped in pain. The rest of your anger was expressed in hissed whispers.

“Don’t you fucking have eyes, Harrison? Do you not remember what happened last night? Or even see _this_?!” You aggressively pointed between you and him.

Memories from the previous evening flashed in front of your eyes. The alcohol at the party you didn’t even remember the occasion of. The dancing on the full dancefloor, your body against his. Way too close for comfort. Lustful looks shared between _just friends._ His hand on your hips while you swayed to the music. Your hands in his hair. Your lips brushing softly against each other.

Not even ten minutes later, you were in a cab. Hands all over each other, while his lips were on your neck.

Another ten minutes later and you were stumbling into the apartment. Bumping into furniture. Until finally you had found the bed. It only went downhill from there. Flashbacks of moans, pants, sounds of skin against ski filled your head, making you sick. You couldn’t believe that you had actually done this. You did the worst thing you could have ever done. Something you promised yourself never to do.

“Fuck.” Harrison groaned, pulling you out of your nightmare memories into the even worse reality. For the next twenty minutes, you sat in silence. Not daring to look at each other.

“Maybe we didn’t-” Harrison mumbled, breaking the painful silence.

“No, we did.” You could feel it inside you. Not to mention the hickeys left on both your bodies were already sinful enough. Anything that could have happened before during or after that was only the expired icing on the burned cake.

“So, what do we do?”

“I don’t know Harrison? Why do _I_ have to-” you cried out. Tears were spilling from your eyes.

“Hey hey, that’s not what I meant.” Once again he tried to reassuringly caress your arm but stopped himself. To touch each other was now definitely not the thing to do. “I am not pushing anything on you. I just meant what do we do now? Do we tell Tom?”

“Yes. We have to. _I_ have to. I won’t be able to live with myself if I don’t tell him. Besides lies always resurface. It would be so much worse if he somehow found out by himself.” The tears kept coming. You didn’t try to stop them.

“When should we tell him?” You appreciated how he kept saying _we_ as if it was both of you that had fucked up. As if both of you were guilty of a crime only the heartless were able to commit. As if both of you broke the trust of the love of your life forever. No, that was only you.

“I’ll tell him when he gets back. It’s not a conversation to have over text or skype. No, it needs to be face to face. And hey,” you wipe away the tears from your cheek and look up at Harrison, “He doesn’t need to know it was you. I can tell him it was just some random guy. There is no need for him to hate both of us. It’s too late for me, but-”

“y/n don’t be stupid. I can not let you take the blame of this all. I can not let you protect me.”

You broke down in tears again. All you wanted to do was to curl up. All Harrison wanted to do was to give you a hug, try to help somehow. But your friendship was ruined forever. You could never go back to normal. And neither could you and Tom.

________________________________________

________________________________________

Four weeks later you were sitting on the couch in Tom and Harrison’s apartment. You had avoided the place like the plague ever since that night, but now, since Tom was coming back, you couldn’t circumvent the place you once used to call home.

You sat on the couch. Harrison was in the kitchen. Finishing his second beer in the last hour. He had offered you one but you couldn’t. Since that night you couldn’t get yourself to touch a bottle of alcohol with a ten-foot stick. The idea alone was making you sick. A gut-wrenching feeling in your stomach was telling you that it was time. The clock was ticking loudly in your ears. Every second passing by faster.

Just like that the front door opened. You could hear the rinkling of keys. Tom’s joyful “Haz! Where are you mate? Holy shit, do I have some stories.” He was laughing, making you want to cry even more. Of course, he was laughing. Why wouldn’t he be? He had no idea that just in a few seconds you were going to rip his heart out, step on it and throw it in the trash. He had no idea that you were about to crush his soul. Kill his dream of having a future with you.

“Okay, so I have been thinking and- y/n? Hey.” His smile lit up as he saw you sitting on the couch. But it dropped when he saw _how_ you were sitting on the couch. “What’s wrong babe?”

“Can you uhm sit down, Tom. I have to tell you something.” Your face was heating up. A lump in your throat. You hands shaking. But you had to shove the panic attack aside. This was more important than your fucking anxiety.

Worried, Tom sat down next to you. You scooted a bit more to the side, leaving the space between you. You couldn’t look at him. Already sitting next to him hurt. But you had to shove those feelings aside too. Cause you didn’t deserve to feel hurt. Not while you were going to hurt him.

“Love, you’re scaring me, what’s wrong.” He reached out for your hand but you pulled it away quickly. You couldn’t do it, but you had to.

“Tom, I am so sorry. Know that what I did does not change the way I feel about you. I love you. I love you so fucking much. Please know that I never meant for it to happen. I never wanted to hurt you. I never-”

“Just tell me.” He begged you. It wasn’t his voice, it was his eyes. They begged you to just tell him what was going on. With one last shaky breath, you opened the gates of hell.

“I cheated on you.”

“What?” His voice sounded broken. You could only imagine how he looked like. That one little word was all it took for you to know that you had destroyed him. You cut too deep. Held on too long. It was done. It was over.

“I am so sorry Tom. I didn’t mean to. I was drunk and I wasn’t thinking clearly. The morning after I regretted it before even knowing exactly what happened. I feel awful and I am so sorry that I hurt you, that I broke your trust-”

“When?” You had expected him to yell. To shout. To be angry. You weren’t sure if these one word, emotionless questions were better or worse. You couldn’t tell how he was feeling. You didn’t want to know, but you needed to know.

“Uhm, the night of Daniel’s party.” There was a long pause. Tom was clearly thinking back to when that party had happened. He remembered you talking about it. You were going there with Harrison. Now that he thought about it, you had been acting weird ever since that day.

“Four weeks? You wait four weeks to tell me?!” His voice was getting louder, angrier.

“I would have told you sooner if you were here, I didn’t want to do it over the phone when you were working.”

“Oh, so I should be thankful for you keeping this shit behind my back?”

“What? No. That’s not what I meant. I know I fucked up and I just had to tell you personally. Tom, I’m really sorry.”

“Save it.” Back to emotionless.

Right then Harrison walked into the living room. He looked at you and Tom. “Shit, did you tell him about us already?” You froze. the lump in your throat now getting so big you were sure you were going to suffocate on air. Tom looked between you and Harrison.

“What the fuck is that-” then it clicked. “You cheated on my with _HARRISON_?!” Now he was shouting. You flinched but tried to get a grip. You didn’t deserve to play the victim here. It was all your fault.

“Tom, I’m sorry-”

“Were you planning on telling me?”

“Yes, I was about to tell you, I swear.” You were crying now.

“You cheated on me with my best friend? And to think I was going to propose.” he rubbed his face with his shaky hand. You looked at him in disbelief.

“You were gonna propose?”

“Yeah, that’s what I was talking about before I saw you. I was planning on telling Harrison that I wanted to ask you to marry me tomorrow.”

“Tom, I didn’t-”

“What? You didn’t know? So if you knew I was going to ask you, you wouldn’t suck his dick?!”

“I didn’t suck-” what did it matter?

“You wouldn’t fuck him if you knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you? I thought you already knew that y/n!”

“Tom, I told you I’m sorry!” you shouted back. You didn’t want to shout. but it felt like the only way you could make out a sound. Any lower volume came out as weak peeps and whimpers.

“Well, sorry’s not good enough! You can just go screw yourself.” He got up. You felt something fall onto your lap. You opened your eyes to see a black velvet box.

“Tom, please. Forgive me. We can work through this. We can start over. Please.”

“No, no. _You_ can start over. I will never be able to start over. I loved you and _you_ fucked it up.” _Loved_. Past tense.

“I still love you, Tom.”

“Clearly not enough.” He turned his back to you and walked away, but not before walking to Harrison. “And you. How fucking could you?”

“Mate, I’m sorry-” _Whack_. You flinched and looked away as Tom’s fist hit Harrison’s cheek. The hard sound of skin against skin and the groan that left Harrison’s, now bloody, cheek made you quiver.

Harrison just wiped away the blood that had dripped down his cheek slowly. He didn’t say anything, knowing fully well that he deserved it. He deserved more than that.

“I don’t want to see your face ever again,” Tom practically spat in his face before walking away. He disappeared into the dark hallways and a few seconds later the door opened and then closed with a loud bang.

You curled up on the couch. Your face hidden in your hands. Crying and sobbing louder than you have ever before in your life. You had ruined the best thing to have ever happened in your life. You had it and you fucked it up. The box in your lap burned into you. With a shaky hand, you opened it. It flicked open heavily and with a little click. Inside the most gorgeous ring you had ever seen. It could have been yours if you had not been so stupid.

The gut-wrenching feeling your stomach came back. But it was really coming. Before you could groan out of pain, you were running towards the bathroom. You fell onto your knees in front of the toilet and spilled your insides. You didn’t even know where all of this was coming from, you had been throwing up all day and barely ate anything that whole week.

You had thought that maybe it was the stress, but usually, you were a big stress eater. Though this time, any time you went to grab your favorite snack, one bite and you were making a b-line to the bathroom. You cried into the toilet bowl as Harrison came up to check on you.

“Y/n, are you alright?”

You looked up from the toilet. Your tear-filled eyes making your vision shaky. But you could still see his worry.

“Haz?” you croaked out, “Did we use a condom?”


	2. II

**“Haz?” you croaked out, “Did we use a condom?”**

“Yes, of course, we did.” He said almost automatically. You looked at him, panic in your tear-filled eyes. The longer the silence continued on, the more the certainty of his answer disappeared.

“I mean, yeah. I’m pretty sure we did.” He went back to thinking about the one day he never wanted to think of again. “Yes, I remember.”

“How are you so sure?” You flushed the toilet and made yourself a bit more comfortable on the ground. “We were both hammered.”

“Because drunk me doesn’t have the best aim so I had to throw it in the trash that morning. Believe, we used protection.”

“But what if it didn’t work? You know they aren’t always effective. Maybe-” Your breathing was hitching up again. It hurt your chest every time you inhaled. “Oh god.” You could hear Harrison sitting down next to you on the cold bathroom tiles.

“y/n, it’s okay. Calm down. I’m sure it’s nothing. You’re probably just too stressed.”

“I missed my period Haz. I might be irregular sometimes, but I have never missed one.” You cried louder. He moved closer to you. Very slowly, ready to pull away at any moment. You didn’t decline the offer of his support. Your head fell on his shoulder and his arm wrapped itself around you. He held you tightly and let you cry. It was the first time since that night that you had touched each other. It felt strange but the comfort he radiated was more important at the moment.

“It’s okay. Like I said, it could be the stress. I happens.” His hand moved up and down your arm. The rhythm of his strokes helping you calm down. “If you want I’ll go buy a test.”

“Yes, we should. We should do that. But not here. I can’t- I don’t want Tom to see me. I hurt him enough. Imagine what would happen if he found out about this now too…” Of course, you would tell him. But if he came back home to see you looking at a pregnancy test with the guy you cheated with him on, in his house, that just could not go right. In any possible universe.

“Should we go to your place?” he asked. You simply nodded.

“Do you have like a box or something? So I can take my things with me. I don’t think I should come back here.” You sniffed a little. Harrison got up and a few moments later he came back with a flat moving box. “KITCHEN” written on one side with a black sharpie.

You remembered writing that when you were helping them move in. You remembered Tom asking you almost every five minutes if you were sure you didn’t want to move in with them. They had plenty of space. But you said no every time. You had your own little flat just a few streets away. Besides, at the time, it felt like it was too early for the two of you to move in together.

In the end, you spend so much time at their place that you had basically become the third roommate. Most of your stuff had somehow migrated over from one apartment to the other.

And now you were searching through the whole house for those things. Body butter in the bathroom. An extra charger in the bedroom. Earrings on a nightstand. Books in the living room. Clothes in the dryer and wardrobe. You were packing up your shirts when you stopped. Holding on to a black hoodie. You were about to throw it in the box when you realized it wasn’t even yours. It was Tom’s. This made you take another look through the stuff you had already collected and it was good you did cause otherwise you would have stolen two hoodies, a t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants.

A half hour later, you were ready. You checked every room one more time before walking to the hallway. Harrison gave you a weak smile. He was holding the box for you. You had tried to tell him that it wasn’t necessary. You could easily hold up the box yourself. The walk to the car was short anyway. You would have putten it down before your arms started to hurt. But Harrison was persistent. He wouldn’t have a no for an answer. You knew exactly why.

Guilt.

He felt guilty for everything you were going through now. Cheating, breaking up with your years-long boyfriend and hurting him. Now the possible pregnancy. It was one big mess and you two were at the center of it. One drunken night. One mistake caused your whole life to spiral down.

Only it wasn’t just one mistake. It was many, many more. You shouldn’t have taken those three last shots. You shouldn’t have dragged Harrison on to the dance floor. You shouldn’t have danced with him to that one song, the song you and Tom always got so riled up to. You shouldn’t have looked into the beautiful blue eyes. You shouldn’t have pressed your bodies so close. You shouldn’t have kissed back. You shouldn’t have kissed him again.

The worst thing was that neither of you was the clear blame. The question was never asked by either one of you. The words “You wanna head out of here?” or any variation of it were never spoken. After the kiss, things just escalated and before you knew it you were moaning his name.

Before you knew it, you were leaving the place you once used to call home. You were sitting in the passenger’s seat. Harrison was driving. He held your hand. No, you were holding his. Your fingers weren’t intertwined, yours were simply hooked over his. Holding on to something in need of comfort. In need of not feeling completely alone.

“Do you first want to go to your place or do you want to pick up the test?” He said without taking his eyes off the road.

“Yeah, sure.” You sighed. It was already getting dark outside. The sun slowly hiding behind the horizon. The sky looked so calm and beautiful. Absolutely unfair considering how the day had actually gone.

“That’s not really a possible answer.” he laughed.

“Right, sorry. I guess uhm, let’s go to the shop first.” And so that is what you did. You told him to wait in the car while you went to pick up the test. It had happened before that fans bumped into you while you were shopping. You could only imagine what would happen if someone found you buying a pregnancy test. Looking like the mess you were. Harrison at your side while Tom was nowhere to be seen. No, you weren’t feeling it.

So, you stepped into the shop. The light in one led’s flickering on and off, making it very annoying to look through the aisles for the damn test. You finally found it. A woman was already standing there, she smiled at you as you walked up to stand next to her. _Why did there have to be so many different ones?_ Weren’t they all telling you the same thing? What was the point in so many choices? In the end, you would probably just go for the cheapest one. Although, cheap didn’t exactly scream quality to you and usually you wouldn’t care about how good something was as long as it did its purpose, but in this case, you really needed to be sure.

“So, what do you think yours will say?” the woman said excitedly. She sounded much younger than you had expected.

“I don’t know.” _Wasn’t that why I’m buying it?_

“I hope mine will be positive. My husband and I have been trying for months. Have you?” She looked at you. You nervously covered your hands with your sleeves and just smiled.

“Uhm, no actually.” You picked a random box, not wanting to think about it too much.

“Oh. Well, do you want it to be positive?” You had no idea that buying a pregnancy test had an included interrogation with it. What was it will all the questions? And why didn’t you know the answer to any of them?

Yes, you had always wanted to have a baby with Tom. The conversations you had talking about your future together always involved a little you or a little Tom. The dream was to have two boys and a girl. You were sure that it would get messy and hard at times, but it would be your little family and that made all the effort worth it. You would be happy together.

Now that dream was gone. You didn’t know what you wanted anymore. You wanted a kid, but to be a single mother? You weren’t sure you were cut out for that? However, was any woman ready to be a single mom? Yet it happened. It worked, most of the times.

“I don’t know,” you whispered while staring at the blue and pink box. Such ugly colors. So happy. So peaceful. You wiped away a quick tear, staining your sleeve with the remaining mascara that had still coated your eyelashes.

You quickly walked away, to the cashier. Without making another conversation you paid for the stupid test and walked out. The sun had almost completely set. With a quick pace, you made your way to the car. Harrison started the engine as you stepped in. You buckled your seatbelt with a huff. When you looked at him you saw he had his hand out, ready for you to take it. With a sad smile, you intertwined your fingers. He smiled for a second and squeezed your hand as he drove out of the parking lot.

When you reached your flat, he again took it upon himself to carry your box. You unlocked the door. Your ring of keys now one key lighter.

Harrison put the box down and sat on the couch while you went to the bathroom. You wanted to get this done as quickly as possible. He heard the water from the faucet run so walked over and softly knocked on the door. You told him to come in. When he did, he saw you sitting on the edge of the bathtub. The test lying upside down at the sink. You were biting your nails, something you hadn’t done in years.

He sat down next to you, putting his arm around your shoulder and kissing the top of your head. “I’m sorry.” He pulled you in so your face was pressed against his chest. You closed your eyes and listened to his heartbeat. It was fast. It somehow made you feel better that he was freaking out too. “Just know that whatever happens, I’m here for you.”

“Thank you.” Your phone vibrated on your lap and started ringing. The three minutes were up. With a shaky hand, you picked up the little stick. You had pressed your eyes shut and only opened them again when the test was right in front of you.

 _“You are pregnant.”_ the doctor said with a smile. After all, it was usually happy news to hear. You tried to smile back. Smile through the tears. Smile through the pain. You gripped Harrison’s hand, digging your nails into his skin, but he didn’t seem to even notice.

A few days after you had taken the test (which came out positive) you decided to see a doctor. Tests weren’t always right. False positives, as rare as they might be, still occurred. So, on a gloomy Wednesday morning, you made an appointment. The results would have been ready a day or two later. Which was today.

“Am I-” Harrison couldn’t manage to finish the sentence. The doctor looked through the file. Her brows furrowed as she read the data. Harrison bit his lip. He had, just to be sure, also gotten tested and it was good he did because what the doctor said left you both paralyzed.

“Uhm… no. The DNA match was negative.”

“What? How is that possible?” Harrison looked at you. It wasn’t anger that you saw in his eyes. It was a sad confusion. Disappointment?

“I will let you have a moment.” The doctor left the small office. Was it always this small? You could have sworn it was a pretty big room when you had walked in. Now though, it felt like the walls were closing in on you.

“y/n, what is going on? How am I not-” He let go of your hand. The moment you couldn’t feel him it felt like you were falling. You tried to make sense out of this. If it wasn’t Harrison then-

“y/n?!” Harrison asked louder. You looked up at him. His blue eyes clear. The clearance you needed to think.

“Do you remember where we were a week before we, you know.” you bit the inside of your cheek to stop the tears from falling again. How did you even have enough water in you to keep on crying? 

“Yeah, we were visiting Tom and-” He stopped. His eyes widening. He already knew the answer to the question but asked it anyway. “Did you have sex then?”

You couldn’t get the words out to form an answer. All you could do was shake your head yes.


	3. III

Harrison was still shaken up after he had brought you back to your flat and opened the door to his. It had taken him some days, but he had accepted the fact that he could be a dad. To start a family with you. It didn’t even sound so bad.

But now suddenly, it wasn’t even him who she was pregnant with. It was Tom?! Harrison couldn’t believe it.

He stepped into the flat to hear voices and footsteps. Tom was home. He shouldn’t be surprised since it was his house too, but ever since he had come home from filming and y/n had told him what happened between her and Harrison, Tom had tried to spend the least time possible at home. He either left in the early morning to do god knows what and only came back in the middle of the night, if he came back that day at all, or he would spend his whole days in bed.

Harrison had tried to talk to him but it was pointless. Tom didn’t even look him in the eyes.

So, Harrison was clearly surprised when he heard the clear sound of Tom’s laugh. He walked into the living room to see it full of moving boxes, just like the one he had given y/n. In the middle of it, Tom stood looking around, talking to his brother.

Harry was laughing loudly but it died down when the two Hollands saw Harrison come in. Tom cleared his throat before walking away, into his bedroom. Harry was sitting on the couch. He looked up through his eyelashes at Harrison. More like glared at him.

“What’s going on?” Harrison looked around, most of the boxes were already full, some even ready to be loaded into a car, tape carefully rolled over the top.

“He’s moving out,” Harry said matter of factly. He got up from his seat.

“What?”

“It’s not that hard to understand, is it Haz?” Harry walked over to him with a small difficulty as he maneuvered around the boxes. He stepped closer to him so they were standing face to face. Harry’s words were whispered so his older brother wouldn’t hear him.

“What you and y/n did, it fucking broke him, mate. He can’t live here anymore. Do you know how many times he had banged on our door this week crying?” Harrison gulped and shook his head. He did not know but have a fairly good idea. “Every day. Maybe you haven’t wondered where he was off to every day, but he was always at either my or Sam’s place. Miserable. Sitting on the couch, sulking.” 

“Okay, yeah. I get it.”

“Do you?” Harry raised an eyebrow.

“Yes, I fucked up. I’m a huge fucking idiot and because of that I ruined their relationship and now y/n is…” he shut up before it was too late. He prayed that Harry had not caught on to his last words, hoping he wouldn’t question it any further. Luckily the door to Tom’s bedroom opened and Harry had turned around just as Harrison had almost revealed y/n’s secret.

“So everything is pretty much done in there,” Tom dusted off his hands as he walked out of the room. “I’ll get someone to pick up the bed and the heavy shit.” He was talking to Harry. Or maybe to both of them. Anyway, he was doing everything in his power not to look into Harrison’s blue eyes. He couldn’t look at him anymore.

Harrison didn’t know what to do. Was he supposed to offer to help? Stay out of the way? If so, should he leave or go to his room?

He watched, a bit stunned, as Tom picked up two boxes stacked on top of each other. Harry followed him with one smaller box, ready to open the door for his brother. The door didn’t close since they would be coming back in a minute to pick the rest up.

________________________________

“I’m pregnant.” you looked into the mirror. Your reflection looking horrendous. Eyes and nose red. Cheeks stained black. Why did you even bother wearing mascara anymore?

“I’m… pregnant,” you repeated the small sentence. What was it? The ten? Twentieth time? It was all you could say really. It felt as if you were on a loop. And why? What were you exactly doing? Were you trying to comprehend it yourself? Preparing on how to tell everyone the news? Most of your friends didn’t even know it was over between you and Tom. How would they react when they found out that the love that they always admired died. Burned out like an old candle. Only the smoke left behind.

“I’m pregnant.” you huffed out. “Fuck, I’m pregnant.” You did a half turn so your reflection now showed your profile. You lifted up your sweater to look at your stomach. It didn’t look any different but you knew that in a few weeks time that would change. Everything would change. Your whole life was turning upside down and you were completely alone.

Yeah, Harrison might have said that he was there for you, but what could he do? What could you make him do? You would never want to stand in the way of his own life. Soon he would find a girlfriend who he would love and the girlfriend would turn into a wife and he would have his own kids to take care of. Leaving you behind.

Tom. He never wanted to see your face again. Maybe he hadn’t said it, but he made that very clear. You broke his heart. Why would you want to be tied down to the person that broke your trust? You knew you wouldn’t want that. So why put Tom through it.

Right when you pulled your sweater down over your stomach, your phone vibrated on the table. You jumped up, not expecting the sudden noise to disturb the dark silence in your house.

The screen lit up and you saw Harrison’s face. A big smile. You couldn’t help but smile sadly too. It just what he did to you. Always so infectious.

You picked up the phone and answered. “Hey.”

“Hey, how are you doing?” He didn’t sound anything like he looked on the old picture. Just like you, he sounded tired and sad. No spark left.

Yet, you still had a little smile on your face. When he had brought you home, he promised to call later to check up on you. The idea was nice but you knew he would forget quickly. That was just the way he was. Yet, he still called you.

“I haven’t cried since the doctor. I don’t know what you can make out of that.”

“Sounds like a win in my books.” he laughed but again, there was no spark behind it. “I don’t know if I should tell you this, but I do think you ought to know.” A long silence. You didn’t ask him to clarify because you knew he would tell you in just a second.

“Tom moved out.”

You didn’t know how to respond. Because… you understood why he did it. You didn’t know how you felt about it. Your head was a big mess.

“I was thinking,” Harrison’s voice was unsure. A bit shaky at moments. “Since I’m here on my own… maybe you’d want to move in with me?” the shakiness stopped. He sounded hopeful at the end of his sentence. You closed your eyes tightly. Not believing what he was suggesting.

“Harrison-”

“No, seriously. Listen. I want to be there for you. I’m not saying you can’t do this on your own because I’m sure you can. You are incredible. I just don’t _want_ you to do it on your own.”

“Harrison, please.” It hurt to hear him sound so hopeful.

“I want to be there for you, y/n. It’s all my fault that you’re in this mess. And I know, now it might sound like I’m doing this because of guilt. No. You’re one of my best friends. I want to help you because I care about you and I love you. You need support and care and I will do anything for you.”

“I can’t,” You had sat down at the table, your head spinning from the small speech Harrison had just given. “I can’t do this, Harrison.”

“What do you mean?” he had sounded almost excited before but now his voice dimmed into a small whisper.

“I can’t move in with you. Do you know how wrong that will look? As if we haven’t hurt Tom enough. I- I need some time to just be on my own. You know, think everything through.”

“I understand. I’m here for you-” Now you were the one to cut him off.

“No, Harrison, you don’t understand. Don’t call me okay. At least not for a while. I really _really_ need to be alone right now.” you rubbed your forehead and temple with your hand. Elbow leaning on the table. Your head hurt.

“Yes, I understand. I’ll see you around then.” his voice had gone from the soft and saddened whisper to a cold mumble.

“No, wait, Harrison-” He hung up. You looked at your now black screen, then with a flick of the wrist threw your phone across the table. The phone slid across the surface quickly. Before you knew it, it fell from the other end. You cursed yourself and went to pick it up, just hoping that it didn’t break. You didn’t need any more broken things in your life.

Fortunately, the screen was still in one piece. You were glad. Simply because you didn’t realize that the moment you would look up your heart would break instead.

Your eyes fell on the picture hanging on the wall. The red frame contrasting on the pale wall so you couldn’t miss it. As if you were pulled to it by a magnet, you walked up to it. You couldn’t look away from the happy image. It was a selfie. A selfie Tom took. His arm cutting out of shot. A big stupid grin on his face as you had your arms around him, lips giving him a big smooch on the cheek.

Your hand went up to touch the frame. You remembered the day you took the picture. You hadn’t been together yet. Just good friends. There was always some flirting going on around but that was it… until the day that he had shown up at your door. You could tell immediately that he had been crying.

“Tommy, what’s wrong,” you had said and pulled him inside, away from the cold. You sat down together on the couch and he broke down. Face in hands, sobbing. You had put your arm on his back, caressing gently, trying to give him some comfort.

Then, with a very hiccough-y voice, he told you what happened. How his girlfriend at the time cheated on him. He had walked in on her kissing some random guy. Already half undressed.

He fell into your lap and cried for a while. You didn’t mind. You sat there and tried your best to make him feel better. Brushing your fingers through his hair, whispering soft thoughts. Those small actions ended up turning into small kisses which escalated to nips and bites across the neck, followed by moans and grunts. You know, anything to make a friend feel better.

After that confusing night, you kept seeing each other. But it didn’t mean anything, you both said. It was just for the times that either of you felt broke and needed something to glue themselves together. Well, that lasted for a while, until he had confessed his feelings for you. Which you reciprocated.

That day you promised him and yourself never to hurt him like that bitch did.

But here you were. No better than her. Worse, even. You were supposed to fix him while in the end you only ended up hurting him more.


	4. IV

A few weeks passed. You had spent most of them in bed. Only leaving the house occasionally to go to your doctor appointments. According to the doctor, everything was going great. The baby was healthy and so were you. At least you had that going on for you. It was pretty much it though.

You hadn’t talked to anyone in those few weeks. Harrison tried to call you, even came over to your house once, but you ignored him every single time.

You were still contemplating whether or not to tell Tom about what was going on. It wasn’t your only inner discussion. After every check-up, you had stopped yourself before walking out of the doctor’s office, staring at that little poster, considering if maybe you shouldn’t keep going. You were, in fact, freaking out. You weren’t ready to be a mother. Definitely not on your own. The pregnancy itself was already too much, so to take care of a whole other life… You didn’t know what to do.

The bump wasn’t showing yet. You had not told anyone about your situation. The only person that knew except for you was Harrison.

Speak of the devil, the moment you woke up, you could hear the hell-raising ringtone of your phone, telling you he was calling you for the millionth time. _Why hadn’t you turned the sound off? Or even just turn your phone off. period._ But for some reason, you decided to pick up this time. The reason even for you was a bit unsure.

“y/n? Oh thank god!” there was a clear note of relief in his voice.

“What do you want Harrison? Why do you keep calling me? I told you to leave me alone for some time.” you were, of course, in bed. Playing with the hem of your shirt.

“That was six weeks ago! I’m bloody worried about you y/n!” he was on the verge of yelling, but stopped for a moment. You could hear deep breaths on the other side, him trying to gain back his composure. “Can I please come over. I need to know you’re okay.”

“I can spare you the time and energy Haz. I am not okay. Far from it. Fucking miserable actually. So, there you go. Nice talking to ya. I’ll talk to you in another six weeks.” you were about to hang up when he shouted out: “y/n wait!” Again, you had no reason to keep listening but you did.

“Please let me come over. You can’t stay cooped up inside like that.”

“Uh yeah I can, watch me do it.” You were about to hang up again.

“Fine, but let me ask you this: How long are you planning on staying isolated like that? Through the whole pregnancy? And then what? Are you going to keep your child away from the world for their entire life?”

“Yeah, well… maybe that won’t be necessary.” you stared straight ahead, at the black screen of your tv hanging off the wall opposite you.

“What do you mean?” You knew he knew what you meant. He just didn’t want to say it.

“I’m thinking… maybe it’s for the better if I don’t-” you didn’t want to say it yourself. Saying it out loud would just prove how much of a failure and screw up you were. Tears slowly trickled down your cheeks. There goes your streak. You had managed not to cry for the last five days.

“Okay, that’s it, I’m coming over. I’ll be there in ten minutes and you better let me in y/n!” Now that the tears were there you didn’t have the power to protest him. The dam you had managed to build up over the last few days broke down again. Still holding your phone up to your wet cheek, you sobbed and nodded. It was ridiculous since he couldn’t even see it, but something within told you that he understood anyway.

Just like promised, ten minutes later the doorbell rang. You kicked the three covers you had wrapped yourself in off and slouched your way over to the front door. It was surprisingly sunny outside. Even really warm actually. Harrison wasn’t even wearing a proper coat. Just a layered outfit of a t-shirt, a hoodie, and an oversized denim jacket. Of course, he had to look great. While you were standing on the opposite side of the doorstep, in old sweats. Hair unwashed and up in a messy bun, so messy most of your hair wasn’t even in it. Your face was red and puffy from the last minutes you had spend crying.

Harrison was trying to smile when he had reached your house but that stopped the moment he saw you. His heart broke.

“y/n, I’m so sorry,” he stepped inside and pulled you into a hug. You didn’t move, still holding the door handle. You shut your eyes and pressed them closed not to spill any more tears.

“Haz, don’t.” the only thing you could do was sigh. Harrison pulled away from you, but still had his arms around your middle and looked into your eyes.

“Okay, please don’t take this the wrong way, but you need a shower. So you go in there,” he pointed in the direction of your bathroom, “and I go make you some food because I have the feeling you haven’t eaten much lately.” He was right. “Wait, do you even have food in the house? When was the last time you actually went outside?” 

“I have some food. I got groceries delivered.” More sighs. You had no energy to put any more effort into your words. Harrison saw that. He lead you to the bathroom and started the shower for you before leaving to make you some food.

Fifteen minutes later you stepped out of the steamy room, a towel around your body and another one wrapping up your hair. You walk quickly, but not too quick so you wouldn’t slip and slide on the floor, walk to your room to get some fresh clothes.

The moment you stepped out of the bathroom, you could smell bacon being fried. Still, in just a towel, you walk to the kitchen where Harrison is turned with his back to you, facing the pan with the sizzling strips of bacon. The closer you got to him, the more intense the smell got.

“Oh god,” you mumbled. Harrison turned around. His eyes widened as he saw how pale you looked. He dropped the spatula onto the pan.

“Hey, what’s wrong.” He stepped closer to you. Your throat was starting to tighten and that acidic feeling was coming up from your stomach. You could only whimper “bacon” before holding a hand in front of your mouth and running out of the kitchen back to the bathroom.

When you were done with spilling your guts out, you went to your room to finally get dressed. Once that was over with, you saw Harrison still standing in the kitchen, stuffing his mouth with what you assumed was the bacon. His mouth full he mumbled an apology. Realizing he couldn’t really say anything, he swallowed and tried again.

“I am so sorry. I didn’t know that bacon made you sick. I should have asked-” 

“It’s okay. I didn’t know myself actually. Did you eat all of it?” you smiled. Actually smiled. For the first time in way too long.

“Obviously. Can’t let some perfectly fine bacon go to waste. I am not a monster.” Now both of you were laughing, It did, however, die down slowly and then you were both standing in silence. Harrison turned back around and started to look through your cupboards. “Alright, so what do you want to eat?”

“I’m not hungry.”

“y/n you have to eat something.”

“I know, just… maybe later.” you were looking at the ground, not even noticing that Harrison had walked up to you. He put his hand on your shoulder, which made you look back up, straight into his eyes.

“It’s going to be okay, I promise.” he gave you a tiny smile that you reciprocated, just as small and sheepish as his own.

“I just don’t know what to do. I can’t possibly do this on my own Harrison. I can’t. It’s too hard and you hear in the news about these women who go insane and murder their children… I don’t-”

“Hey, y/n. No one is going to kill any babies. And certainly not you. I can not tell you what to do, I _will_ not. Whatever you decide to do, it will be the right choice. No one will think any less of you. Whether you decide to be a mother or not. _It is your choice_.”

“But I am already such a failure, no matter what I decide to do, I will screw it up. Either I let it be and I do a horrendous job at raising a child or I- oh god!” you press your face against his chest. Not to cry, but to muffle the sound of your frustrated screams. You grip his shirt in your fists.

He lets you get it all out. It probably takes you a minute or five. You pull away, straightening his shirt to the best of your abilities. “Sorry.”

“No need to be.” he shrugs. “It’s just a shirt anyway. I would let you rip it up if it helped.” You knew it was a joke but the idea still sounded nice. You had to bite your tongue not to say anything you might regret later.

Harrison pulled you into another bone-crushing hug and this time you returned it. He put his chin to rest on top of your head. You could feel his chest rise and fall as he breathed in and out slowly. “And whatever you decide to do, I’m here for you.”

“Thanks,” you mumble.

“I don’t know if it would make your decision any easier, but maybe you should tell Tom. He is the father after all. He has a right to know.” His words felt like a knife was slowly getting pushed into you. Deep and painful, right into your heart.

“I know I should, but I don’t know how. He hates me.”

“He doesn’t hate you. He loves you. He’s just hurt.” 

“Yeah, and why is that, Harrison? Because _I_ hurt him. It’s my fault. Of course, he hates me.” You pulled away and took a step back. Harrison looked at you unsure. He didn’t know if he was supposed to say what he was going to say next. You could tell as he was biting either his tongue or the inside of his cheek. Just like you always did.

“Believe me, he doesn’t. What you two had- _have_ \- it’s special. It doesn’t go away just like that.”

“Well, maybe it doesn’t, but it definitely isn’t like it used to be.” you cross your arms and huff, agitated. “I think you should go.”

“What?” he looked confused.

“Yeah, I’m not feeling great and honestly, I am quite done with this conversation. Thanks for stopping by, but now I need you to leave.”

“Uh, sure, I’ll go. Sorry.” He grabbed the jacket that he had thrown over a kitchen chair. With a quick glance at you, he left the room. You stayed there, leaning against the wall. Not moving until you heard the door open and close. But then you realized something.

“Fuck!” you jogged in the footsteps of Harrison. He hadn’t even gotten to the small fence of your garden when you told him to stop. He turned around, one hand already on the wooden gate.

“Do you, uhm, have Tom’s new address?”

“Uh yeah, he gave it to me so I could forward any mail. I’ll text it to you.”

“Thanks, Haz.”

“No problem.” he pushed the gate open. He turned around to close it again. “It’s going to be alright.” 

“If you say so, Haz.” You watched him walk away. The sun was still shining brightly. Giving everything around you a warm glow.

The sun kept shining all throughout the day. It was setting when you walked up to Tom’s new flat. You could see the light shining through the curtains so at least you knew he was home.

You adjusted your grip on the small box of his stuff. You brought it with you, not only because you had to give it back eventually, but also because it was a good excuse in case you chickened out. And there was a big chance of you doing so. You still weren’t sure what to say and how to say it when you were walking up to his door. When you knocked on his door you didn’t even know if you were supposed to say hi to him. How are you? Was that something that exes say to each other?

You took a few deep breaths while waiting for the door to open. It was going to be okay, you tried to tell yourself. No idea where that reassurance and confidence came from since the bigger part of your brain knew it was not okay. Far far from it. Not even in the same spectrum.

With one foot already backing away, you were ready to run for it. Make him think it was just some stupid kids playing a prank. Then the door opened. You were greeted with a pair of brown eyes that you thought you would never see again.

“May I help you?”

“Stacy?” you looked the bitch up and down. She was wearing a large shirt, probably his, and some small shorts. Her hair was messy and you could see a hickey sticking out from underneath the material of the shirt that kept falling off of her shoulder. “What- what are you doing here?”

______________________________________


	5. V

“Oh my God, y/n?! I didn’t recognize you.” she squealed out and pulled you into a hug. Just like you had suspected and feared, she smelled like him. It was his shower gel. You knew because you couldn’t keep up with the times you had used it yourself. Either in the times that you ran out of your own and had to compromise or when you were in the shower with him and you both helped each other out. There was nothing better than the sensual kisses and back rubs in the hot steamy water.

You had to stop thinking about that. It did no good to dwell on the past. Especially when you knew it would never come back. There would be no more shower kisses. At least not for you. He clearly found someone new… or actually, someone old.

Stacy pulled away from the hug. She had a perfect smile on her face as she looked you up and down. Her eyes sparkling with curiosity as she judged everything about you that was possible to tear apart and critique.

“you look…” she locked her eyes with yours and widened her smile, “different.”

_Wow. Thanks._

“uh, yeah. It’s been a couple of exhausting days for me.” you smiled awkwardly. “I didn’t know you and Tom were back-”

“Oh no. I mean we’re not _officially_ back together. We bumped into each other yesterday in ASDA and you know how we always clicked.” if she meant how she clicked well with every single guy she met, then yeah, they clicked just fine.

“that’s uhm-” you had no idea what to say. You weren’t happy. How could he go back to _her_? After what he had been through. After what she did to him?

Luckily you were rescued from your awkwardness by another voice coming from inside. The blessing was, of course, a curse too. It was Tom. You could hear his footsteps coming from where ever in the house he was.

“Babe? What the hell, the bed’s getting cold,” he was laughing. From behind Stacy you could see him walk up, he was pulling on a t-shirt You tried to look away and to pretend you didn’t see anything, but you could clearly see the light red scratches on his skin and the trail of love bites disappearing behind the waistband of his sweatpants.

From that little glimpse at him, you could tell so much about him.

He was comfortable with her leaving marks, meaning that he had time off at least until everything would have faded away. He loved it, seeing the result of a good night in bed with you in the morning after. Most of the time it would encourage him to get straight back underneath the covers. Pulling you on top of him.

The fact that he let her to that, only one day after bumping into each other, told you that he was comfortable with her. He didn’t care anymore that she used him. That she broke his heart into a million pieces.

“y/n?” There was no way to detect his emotions from how he said your name. It was cold but not hateful. It was mostly emotionless actually, but at the same time filled with it. He was holding it back. Because of her. She didn’t know about you two and clearly, Tom wanted to keep it that way.

“Yeah, hi,” you faked a little smile. Your fingers tapping the box in your arms that you could swear was getting heavier and heavier by the second.

“What are you doing here?” he leaned against the doorframe. Stacy made herself comfortable, wrapping her arms around his middle and leaning herself on his chest while he put an arm around her.

All one big Fuck You towards you. It was just a showcase that he didn’t need you. He was over you. Moved on. Maybe it was for the better. Maybe you needed to let him go. Erase him from your life like he was doing with you. Maybe you shouldn’t do this to him. Let him live his life. If you told him, it would ruin everything for him. Change his life forever. Ruin his adorkable Hollywood sweetheart image. Ruin his career possibly. You couldn’t do that. Not after all the shit you already put him through.

“I got some stuff of yours. I assume you want it back.” you sounded surprisingly calm. As if you had gotten your shit together.

“Took you long enough.” he murmured, probably not wanting you to hear it but too bad, you did.

“Yeah, well, I had some shit to deal with. Sorry.” you gripped the box tighter. You wouldn’t give it to him just yet. Right then you decided that you needed to tell him. In the end, this was his child. Whether or not he decided to be a part of their life was up to him, but he should have the right to have the choice in the first place. You held on to the box so there was always some kind of leverage between you in this conversation. If you kept it, he couldn’t slam the door in your face.

“I also need to talk to you.” You hoped he would tell Stacy to leave. _The bed was getting cold after all._ But nothing like that happened. She kept leaning against him and his hand kept slowly and lovingly trace up and down her arm.

“What about?” he didn’t seem interested. You looked at him, then at Stacy, back at him.

“I was hoping it could be just you and me, please.” You didn’t want to, but your eyes were begging him. But he didn’t move. Didn’t say anything. Didn’t give a look to Stacy that told her to go away. In fact, he tightened the grip around her, making her melt into his touch. This broke you even more. Had he really stopped giving a shit about you?

Did you break him so much that you _actually broke him_? This wasn’t the Tom you knew. The Tom you knew would give a shit. He would ask Stacy to leave.

Well, if he didn’t care why should you. After a loud internal _fine_ , you told him: “I’m pregnant.”

This received two completely different reactions. Two reactions from two different perspectives. Stacy, who had no idea about what happened between you and Tom, squealed loudly. She jumped up and down, let go of Tom and brought you in for another hug. Squealing more things like “Ah, congratulations!!”

Tom, on the other hand, didn’t move. His eyes were wide open. His jaw tense. As were all the muscles in his arms that were visible to you.

“Yeah, congrats. I’m sure you and Harrison are happy, huh.” he followed it with one of those tight-lip smiles. You weren’t sure what to think of his assumption. Right now it gave you another opportunity to punch him in the gut with facts. Usually, a very satisfying thing to do to someone, but this was Tom…

“Ooh, I didn’t know you and Harrison were together.” Stacy was literally beaming. You hated it how nice she was. Almost forgot actually. The only thing that stayed behind after she and Tom broke up, was the fact that she cheated on him. Was the same thing going to happen to you? Will you forever be seen as a cheater to everybody?

“Actually… it’s not Harrison who’s the father.” you bite your lip, “it’s you.”

A shrieking laugh escapes Stacy. “Haha, y/n, always such a joker.” she slaps your shoulder. Then she notices the look you and Tom are sharing and she stops. “What?”

“We were together for two years, Stace,” you sigh, almost apologetically.

“Would be three next month,” Tom mumbled, looking at the ground. He was right. Next month you would be having your three year anniversary. But that would only be three years since you had decided to make it official to be together. Truly, you could say you were together for almost four.

“Huh.” she backed away from you and then Tom. “wow. Okay.” she kept walking backward until her back hit the wall and she walked out of the corridor entirely. Tom tried to call after her: “Stacy, wait!” obviously it was no good. He barely put in any effort. He turned back to face you.

“Really? Her?” you blurted out without thinking.

“Don’t change the subject. Besides, you really don’t get to judge her anymore.” He gave you a stern look that made your blood freeze but at the same time heat up your cheeks.

“Tom-” he cut you off before you had a chance to apologize again.

“Are you serious?” You knew what he was talking about.

“Yes, I’m serious. Why the fuck would I joke about something like this, Tom?” You stared at him coldly, waiting for a proper answer that was more than a lazy shrug.

“I don’t know. How do you know it’s me? How can it even be me?”

“Remember the time I went to visit you on set?” you let him think about that day for a moment. You could see the gears grinding in the back of his head as he remembered. It had been a good day. You watched him do stunts all day and there was no denying that it got you all riled up. So the moment the director called cut for the final time that day, you dragged him across the studio to his trailer. In seconds you were on top of each other. You would have loved to rip off his shirt but that was a bit too expensive to do. But it didn’t stop you from crashing into almost every single piece of furniture. The whole trailer looked like it was hit by a hurricane when you were done.

Maybe it was because of how turned on you had been the whole day, or how he was rougher with you than ever before since it was the first time in weeks that you two could have each other like that again, but this was probably the best sex you had had.

“So you got shitfaced and fucked Harrison while you were already pregnant with me?” You couldn’t believe this was what he was taking away from this conversation.

“I didn’t know I was pregnant, did I? I only found out the day you came back… after we broke up.”

“And you only decide to tell me seven weeks later? What the fuck y/n!?” He was raising his voice and you flinched a bit. You were still standing in the doorway of his house so anyone standing outside in the street could perfectly listen in to your conversation.

“Yeah, I did. So what? Would you have answered if I had called you? Would you have opened the door if I knocked? Seriously Tom, I know I fucked up but don’t do this. Don’t try to throw any bad thing at me like that.” He was already opening his mouth to respond but closed it quickly. Probably because your words had drilled into him. He knew you were right. The anger in his eyes disappeared.

“So… how are you feeling? Is everything okay?” his voice was soft again. The same softness that you would hear before going to sleep in his arms. The same care that you would feel when you were sitting on the couch together watching a horrible movie when you weren’t feeling well.

“I’m not great but the baby is healthy so that’s the important part, right?” you chuckled sadly. His eyebrows furrowed at your words.

“y/n, your health is important too.” 

“Yeah, I guess. Well, anyway,” you hand him the box, more like push it into his arms, “here’s your stuff.” He looked at you surprised. 

“What are you gonna do? What do you want _me_ to do?”

“I don’t know what I’m gonna do… and don’t worry. If you don’t want to have anything to do with me, with this, I’ll be fine. I just thought you had the right to know.” 

“I-” You never found out what he wanted to say because right then, Stacy walked back into view. This time wearing her own clothes. She didn’t look to happy that you were still there.

“Yeah, I’m gonna go,” she pushed past Tom, making him drop the box.

“Babe, don’t-” he let the stuff on the ground and tried to stop her.

“No, I’m not gonna get involved in anything between you two, thanks. Too complicated for me.” she turned to you. “It was nice seeing you y/n.” she smiled sweetly and kissed your cheek, which was definitely a surprise but you could have seen it coming. That was always how she said goodbye.

“Uhuh, nice… seeing ya.” she walked away. You looked back at Tom, who was still a bit in shock at how Stacy left. He looked at you in a bit of a daze.

“Sorry, I should go.” you backed away.

“Shit, y/n. You can’t go now. After telling me this. What the fuck am I supposed to do?” He wasn’t angry. Just sad and confused.

“I’m sorry, okay. I don’t know what to do either.” your heart was racing. Your head started to spin a little. You couldn’t stand there anymore. You had told him everything he needed to know. There was no reason for you to stay there. So you were backing away. Walking before the tears would start to roll again.

“Fuck. No. Don’t go.” he sounded desperate. What for exactly? Neither of you knew. Tom watched you walk away. The love of his life. Yes, you still were. Of course, you were. Even after all the shit that happened, he still loved you. With all his heart. But what you did, he could never forget it. You hurt him in an unimaginable way.

He kept looking at you until you were only a little dot in the horizon… well, until you turned the corner at the end of the street. He closed the door and looked at the content of the box that had fallen out onto the ground. He sat down and started to pick it up. One item at a time.

The first thing he grabbed was a picture frame. It was the one that used to hang on your wall. A picture of you together before you were _together_. Just friends. But you never really were _just_ friends, were you? There was always something more. The touches were always lingering. The eye contact always had more to it than it seemed at first. Your midnight conversations were simple but complicated at the same time. In that way that only two people with a special connection could have. As he put the picture back into the box, he wondered if that feeling would still be there between you.

The next thing he found lying on the ground was the little velvet box that he had thrown in your lap before he left that night. Honestly, he had not expected you to give it back. A part of him didn’t want you to give it back. The ring had fallen out of the box so he picked it up. He looked at it for a moment. The stone was still sparkling in any given angle. On the inside of the band, in minuscule letters, the words “I got you” were inscribed. He had no idea if you had even noticed it. He put the ring back in the box and closed it. Then threw it into the bigger box.

So on and so on he grabbed the little trinkets that fell out. It was mostly the small stuff, that could easily slip out of a box that fell on its side. As he grabbed an old polaroid picture, it quizzed him why you had not simply thrown some of these things out. It was over between you two. If you didn’t want it, why would he want to keep it? He didn’t know that but what he did know was that he would keep it. All of it. Because he wanted to remember. As much as it hurt, he didn’t want to lose the memories of the times you had together.

Everything was cleaned up. Or so he thought until he saw a corner of an envelope sticking from underneath the shoe cabinet. At first, he thought it was just a letter or a bill that had slipped away when he picked up the mail, but he soon realized it had belonged in the box you had given him. Though he didn’t recognize it. He couldn’t remember you giving him any letter or anything like that. Out of curiosity, he opened it.

There was no letter inside. Instead, he found pictures. Ultrasounds to be exact. The black and white pictures didn’t show much as they were showing just early stages of the pregnancy. He could barely make out the shape that was supposed to be the fetus.

His eyes were stinging as he looked at the pictures. Ever since he had broken up with you he felt cold inside. Cold, alone and broken. But seeing this, it was like he was getting picked up and glued together.

Switching through the pictures, he accidentally let one slip through his fingers. It fell onto his lip. He picked it back up and noticed that there was something written on the other side. It was your handwriting. He recognized it immediately.

_~~**Y**~~ OUR BABY_

That was it. He carefully put the photos into the envelope and that in its turn into the box. He got up, put on his shoes, grabbed his jacket and keys, and ran outside.


	6. VI

Tom walked through the threshold of the pub. The moment he stepped inside, his body calmed down. The smell of fried oil and alcohol grounded his racing thoughts. The sound of people talking, laughing and drinking zoned out his worries.

It was too much for him. So much information was thrown at him in such a small amount of time. He didn’t know what to do anymore. He needed a drink, he knew that. But he couldn’t be alone. He couldn’t sit at home, in the silence, only his own voice and thoughts around him. That was what happened week one. He had done nothing but spend this time on the couch or in bed, usually a bottle of something in his hand and some cold pizza.

He didn’t know what to do. What to think. It was hard not to blame himself. Because… there must have been a reason why you did what you did. He was never home, always working, always too busy. People in the industry had told him, _warned_ him, that relationships in this type of work were always hard. That one way or another someone would get hurt. Tom was always scared that he would hurt you. That he wouldn’t be there for you in the time you needed him. He had never expected to be the one that got hurt.

He felt the loneliest he had ever felt. The only thing keeping him company was the bitter taste of beer, slowly killing the pain inside him, but also killing him. He knew it was bad. It wasn’t healthy. He should stop before it got out of hand. But the sober thoughts were even more destructive. It hurt too much.

It finally stopped when Harry came over to borrow… he didn’t even remember what it was that his brother wanted. Having the key to his new place, Harry just opened the door for himself when after four knocks there still came no answer. That is when he found Tom sitting in the bathroom. It was the most devastating sight he had ever seen.

It was like in the movies. Tom was curled up in the corner, shaking from his uneven breathing. His face pale but eyes red from the tears that seeped through. Harry was actually and legitimately scared. This wasn’t his brother. This was a ghost. A phantom taking over him.

He carefully neared his brother. The closer he got, the stronger the smell of alcohol and vomit got. He watched Tom turn around, facing away from him and wiping off the spit from his chin with his forearm.

“Tom?” he squatted down and put his hand on Tom’s shoulder to turn him back around. Tom just shrugged and shook the hand touching him away. He didn’t want it. He didn’t want anyone here. He wanted to be alone. Far away from anyone that could hurt him.

“J _ussst live merghh alown…_ ” it was hard for him to formulate full sentences by now. It had been days since he had opened his mouth for anything else than to drink, eat or puke. He had only heard his own voice in his head but even that sounded foreign at one point.

“Tom, how much have you been drinking?” Harry looked around him. There were beer and liquor bottles lying around. Most of them empty if not spilling over to the ground with the little content left in them. It was clear that he had gotten tired of running around the house to reach the toilet so he decided to just stay there.

“ _Noonoffyoorbussinesss_.” he kept on slurring. His eyelids were getting heavy. He was going to pass out at any moment. He could feel it. See it coming. It would be the third time that week after all.

“Hey, hey, hey.” A few gentle slaps on the face woke him up again. Very blurry, he could see the outline of his brother’s face. His vibrant curls bouncing with every move he made. It was strange. When had he even gotten here?

“Tom, what the fuck are you doing? It’s 10 am!” Harry hissed. He didn’t want to yell. He had seen his brother drunk plenty of times and you knew very well he didn’t react well to it. He had, of course, never seen intoxications of this level. On him or anyone else in that matter.

“Wha day _issit_?” Did he not even know what day it was? Harry was starting to panic. How long had this been going on? How long had his brother been torturing himself like this?

“Shit. It’s Thursday, Tom.” He had so many questions but in this state, there was no way Tom could answer any of it. He needed to sober him up.

Harry got up. He grabbed Tom by the arm and very slowly tried to pull him up. It was a hard task to complete. Not only because Tom was heavier than him, but mostly because he was not putting any weight on himself whatsoever. A noodle had more strength him than Tom did at the moment. He was like a giant rag doll in Harry’s arms. No control over his own body.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, Tom was leaning all his body weight on Harry. His arm over his younger brother’s shoulder while he held on to him as best as he could. He walked with him, or actually more like dragged him, to the shower, where he sat him down in the small cubicle. He took the shower head off the holder. He looked at it and then at his brother, who was mumbling something to himself. Face against the cold tiles. Eyes closed

Harry knew that this could be a bit tricky. As he started the water, he wondered if this was a good idea. It could put his brother into a shock, the sudden change in temperature or the quick hit with the water. But he did it anyway. He pointed the head in Tom’s direction and it quickly hit him in the face with the water coming out of it. In a second, Tom was soaked. His eyes shot wide open.

“Arghh” he tried to hide his face with his hands, still groaning, but it didn’t help. Harry just started to shoot the water at a different angle. He kept going for another five minutes until the gut feeling of pity started to bubble up.

It almost seemed as if Tom had been holding his breath all this time because when Harry finally turned off the shower, he let out a deep breath. His whole body collapsed in on itself, like he had been tensing all his muscles before and finally decided to let go.

“Fuck you,” he mumbled, wiping the water off his face and pushing his soaking wet hair back. Harry didn’t comment. He turned around, grabbing all the bottles he could pick up and left the bathroom. He threw them away, then headed to his brother’s room to grab him some clean and dry clothes. He returned to see Tom already taking off his shirt. It took him a few tries, seeing he was still pissed drunk and the wet material clung on to him. Harry had no idea how to help so he just put the clothes on the sink and left again. He didn’t go far though. Only into the hallway, not even closing the door completely so he still could hear everything going on in there. In case Tom fell and hit his head or something. While he waited he decided to call for backup.

“Bro, I need your help,” he didn’t wait for anyone Sam to ask for more information. He told him everything as quickly as possible. How he found Tom, that he was drunk out of his mind and that he probably hadn’t been sober for the last week.

“Fuck, uh, try to sober him up as much as you can. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

“Thanks.” they hung up simultaneously. Harry listened for any sound that could be concerning. He didn’t hear anything. Which _was_ the concerning part. Hoping not to find his brother naked in the bathroom, he dared to look inside. Tom was, luckily, dressed. He stood in the clothes that Harry found for him in front of the mirror. It was good to know he could stand.

“Tommy,” he said softly. Tom didn’t face him. He kept staring at his reflection. What he saw was horrible. Bags under his eyes. Eyes that were red and swollen from the neverending crying. The water was still dripping from his hair, down on to his shoulders. He looked away, down at the sink. His hands were gripping at the edge of it as his knees were weak.

Harry walked over to his brother and helped him out of the bathroom, to the living room and then helped him lie down on the couch. Tom immediately curled his legs up into a fetal position.

“I’m gonna get you some water, yeah? And you’re gonna drink it.” Luckily for both of them, Tom didn’t fight it. He was thirsty anyway. His throat was dry and that burning feeling went all the way down to his lungs. His head throbbed and there was a pitched ringing in his ears.

 _Ah, nothing better than the feeling of sobriety_ , he thought. And that is how he knew Harry’s attempts were working. He hadn’t heard that shitty little voice in days. Now it was all coming back. His inner monologue. His memories. His pain. Everything hurt and, he didn’t want to say it, it was because of you.

Some time later, the doorbell rang. Tom was about to get up but he did so too quickly, causing his head to pound in pain and he fell back. Harry got up instead. “Don’t worry, it’s just Sam.” He saw the look Tom gave him. “I called him earlier.”

“Please don’t tell me you called mum and dad.” he groaned, closing his eyes. There was no response for a second. Tom just assumed Harry left to open the door for his twin brother. He was correct because a few seconds later they both strolled back in. Harry sat down on the other end of the couch while Sam in a chair next to it.

“Of course I didn’t, why the fuck would I stress out mum like that. We’re here to help and if we can’t we’re just sending your ass off to rehab.”

“Fuck you,” Tom chuckled, but neither of his brothers did.

“He wasn’t joking Tom.” Sam sighed. “This is some serious shit right here. It’s not healthy.”

“I know.” the more he talked, the more Tom’s words started to slow down and slur. He was getting tired from just the mere effort of having to make sounds. “I just… I didn’t know what else to. I’m fucking miserable and just needed it to stop for a moment. I’m not addicted.”

“That’s what they all say.” Harry patted Tom’s leg. Tom pushed it off by kicking his brother in the side.

“Okay, you are gonna sober the fuck up and then we are going outside.” Sam clapped his hands in determination. “You need fresh air.

That is exactly what they did. Some hours later, when Tom hit a sobriety level of a stable human being, they went outside. Even though the sun wasn’t shining that bright, Tom put on sunglasses to protect his sensitive eyes from everything. He also put on a cap. That way, people could just assume he was doing the cliche celebrity-disguise.

“Right,” Sam said as they all walked out of Starbucks. All of them venti coffees in hand. They walked down the street. “So tell us what the fuck is up with you. Why were you-”

“I don’t know. I just tried to understand why she cheated on me and it made me even more miserable than it was. Once I started thinking about it, the thoughts wouldn’t go away and I was going insane. It started out with one drink but then that drink never stopped and before I knew it was Thursday morning and Harry was drowning me in the shower.”

“And you’re lucky I was, because from what I saw, a bit later and it would have been the doctors and they would be pumping out your stomach. Honestly, how have you not gotten alcohol poisoning yet?” Harry took a swig of his coffee and almost spit it out a second later, cursing at how hot it was.

“Actually, that is a good question. You should go to the hospital, at least to check yourself.”

“Yeah, sure. I will.” The three brothers walked in silence for some time. Just drinking their bitter drinks. It wasn’t until Harry finished his that a conversation started again.

“You know what, fuck her.” he stopped walking as he locked eyes with a trash can. Tom and Sam stopped to look how Harry made a LeBron James worthy shot just for the coffee cup to miss the trash can by at least a foot. With a groan he jogged over there to pick it up and throw it away like a normal person. When he turned around to look at his brothers he was happy to see that Tom was smiling. It was a very weak smile but a smile after all.

“Seriously Tom, fuck her. Forget her. She’s not worth it.”

“That’s easy for you to say. We dated for two years. Not to mention, I’ve known her basically my whole life. I’ve loved her all my life.”

“And how does she repay you? By shagging Harrison. Bro, you have to get over her. It will be for the best. I promise.”

“How am I supposed to do that.” They were turning a corner. Tom was trying to get the last of his coffee. Right about then someone bumped into him. His cup hit his nose, knocking off his sunglasses.

“I’m so sorry.” It was a girl. A beautiful girl. She looked embarrassed to have bumped into someone.

“It’s alright, love. No harm done.” Tom smiled. The girl nodded and walked away, clearly in a hurry. The three of them walked on. Harry though, kept looking back at the girl.

“And that is exactly how you do it, you div.”

“What are you talking about?” Tom threw away his own cup now into a garbage can that was already overflowing, litter lying around it.

“That girl, or any other girl for that matter. You need a rebound. ASAP!” Harry sounded surprisingly enthusiastic. Tom looked at his other brother, clearly the more sensible one. Sam just rolled his eyes and lifted his shoulders. Saying without words “lets him talk, it will be over soon.”

“Are you serious?” Tom finally answered.

“Yea, I am. You are Tom focking Holland, for fucks sake. As much as I hate to say it cause you’re my brother, girls are practically lining up to sleep with you. So why don’t you take it as an opportunity and get over _you-know_.”

“I don’t know. It doesn’t sound like a good idea to use girls like that.”

“You won’t be using anyone if she’s into it and you make it clear that you are not looking for anything further than sex.”

Tom wasn’t sure. He wasn’t sure when the next night they went out to a bar. It was stupid since he really shouldn’t be around alcohol. He couldn’t slip back into that again. That is why for the whole night he didn’t touch a single drop of it. It made everything definitely a bit boring.

Harry’s words were coming back to him. As much as he hated to think like that usually, he was Tom Holland. Loved by all Hollywood. It gave him the little confidence he needed. It was strange that he could feel something for what he usually needed at least two shots of vodka.

He was sitting in the booth with his brothers, Tuwaine and a few more mates, when he could feel someone looking at him. He looked in the direction. It was hard to see through the crowd and the lights, but there she was. A girl standing at the bar. She wore a dress leaving little to the imagination. You couldn’t make it up how she was playing with the maraschino cherry in her mouth. When she realized she had been caught, she didn’t look away. Instead, she just smirked, biting off the cherry from its tail.

“Go already!” It was actually Sam that pushed him out of the booth, making Tom almost fall on to the ground. He got a grip on himself and looked back at the bar just to see that the girl disappeared. He was about to head back to the booth where his brothers and friends were seated when the girl appeared right in front of him.

“Hey,” she didn’t say it loudly. From how loud the music was, Tom expected not to hear anything she said, but their faces were so close to each other, that he could understand her flawlessly.

“Hi, I’m-” she cut him off by placing her finger on his lips. The little act surprised him.

“No need for that. Do you want to dance?” she took her hand away, waiting for an answer. Tom didn’t open his mouth, almost as if she had put a muting spell on him. Instead, he nodded. The girl smiled, grabbed his hand and put it on her hip, and dragged him to the dancefloor. They danced forever. Hands all over each other. So close they could hear each other’s heartbeats over the loud and repetitive bass of the music. Eventually, finally, their lips met. In a chaste, hungry kiss.

The feeling of this strangers lips on his was very strange to Tom but not unwelcome. In fact, it felt great. Liberating even.

The kiss continued as he pressed her up to him. Chest to chest. She gripped on to the hairs at the nape of his neck. It made him pull away with a groan, a burning feeling rising up and through him. _Lust_. “Would you wanna go back to my place?” She simply nodded. A little reference to how he had answered back then. The continued their kiss and not even twenty minutes later, he was opening the door to his house. Ready for a very interesting night.

After this mystery girl, a few more followed. Tom had caught a taste of this free life and he was loving it. He had never expected to feel so good after spending the night with a complete stranger. It went on for two weeks probably. There wasn’t a girl every night. Even he couldn’t keep up with that, but it happened often in those two weeks that he woke up either with a beautiful and naked stranger next to him, or not even in his own bed at all.

It only stopped when he walked out of the bar bathroom, buttoning up his shirt. He had not planned on it, but the girl he had chatted up was there with some friends and couldn’t leave without them. It was no big deal, certainly when she had put her hand on his thigh and slowly moved it up…

He had not even reached his top button when a different girl walked up to him. Her big doe eyes looking innocently up at him. “Hiya.” her voice was a bit squeaky, but in a cute way.

“Hey,” he tried to get a hold of that one button, but he couldn’t seem to find it in as he felt for it on his shirt. He just hoped that the girl hadn’t ripped it off when she tug his shirt open earlier.

“I heard from my friend that uhm… you’re looking for a rebound.”

“Uhh, it’s alright love.” he backed away a little.

“It’s cool. I get it. My boyfriend just broke up with me too. That’s why I’m here. I was wondering, maybe we can help each other out.” She put her hand on his shoulder and then moved it down and play with the buttons of the shirt, popping one open. Tom jumped back.

“I uhm, actually, I gotta go. Sorry.” He left her before she could reply. He needed to get out of there as quickly as possible. The exit of the bar seemed miles away but when he finally pushed the door open he finally could breathe again.

Where was this coming from? Why was he scared?

It wasn’t because he didn’t want to take up the offer of the girl. It was because he _did_ want to. Not even two minutes after walking out of a bathroom with someone else. He had realized right then what was becoming of him if he continued like that.

Rebound over.

He went home. The next three and a half weeks he spend in a much more calmer atmosphere. In his childhood home. It was stupid that it took him so long to go there. It was after all where he felt the best. With his family. It was a bit hectic at times, with so many people in one house, but he didn’t mind. He loved it!

It was two days ago that he went to the store to pick up some stuff for dinner. Sam had of course forgotten the grocery list mum made and only brought half the stuff they needed for the roast. So he headed out to get the rest. It is there and then that he bumped into a familiar face.

“Tom?”

“S-stacy? Hi.” It was a surprise to see her after such a long time. She hadn’t changed much. Her dark hair was shorter than when they used to date. She was smiling her usual beautiful smile as she rolled her trolley up to him.

“Oh my god, it is you!” she was beaming for some reason. “How are you?”

“I’m-” Heartbroken. Miserable. Depressed. On the verge of a mental breakdown. “I’m fine. How are you?”

“I’ve been better. Hehe.” As much as she may have, her laugh never changed. It was still cute. “But generally speaking, I’m good.” There was a silence. A very awkward one. Reason behind known to all.

“Listen, Tom,”

“You don’t have to say anything.”

“But I do. What I did, it was horrible. You didn’t- you don’t deserve that. I still don’t know what I was thinking. I mean, I probably wasn’t thinking at all and that was my first mistake… I just want to say I’m so sorry Tom. I felt and still do feel horrible for what I did to you.”

Had he done something that this kept happening to him? That the love of his life decided not to love him anymore and love someone else instead? Did he not deserve to just be happy with someone? Was it destined for him to just be alone and miserable for ever?

“It’s fine.”

“No, it isn’t Tom. I was a bitch and I hurt you and I can’t even start to describe properly how bad I feel for doing this to you. I- Let me buy you a coffee.”

He couldn’t help but laugh at her idea. “I’m not sure a cup of coffee will be enough to pay back for the months of misery I went through after that.”

“I know. There is nothing that will ever make up for it, is there?”

“I mean, what’s a good cup of coffee worth these days? A “sorry I forgot to water your plants over the weekend” so literal heartbreak would be like…”

“5 million of those?” she suggested. “All of them coffee Finca El Injerto coffee?”

“I always liked the way you think.” he laughed. The sound of his laugh brought back the smile on Stacy’s face that was overtaken by insecurities. “And I had been thinking more like a large coffee from Starbucks or Costa or something. But if you wanna spend 500 quid on a cup of coffee, that’s your call, love.”

“I swear to god, Tom,” they both laughed. They were standing in the bread aisle. Just talking and joking. After he had broken up with her, their whole relationship seemed to be washed over by that last moment. He had forgotten how much of a great time he used to have with her. It was always so easy to talk to her. Always laughing. Never a dull moment. He even started to wonder if there was a chance that could come back.

“Shit,” she looked down at her groceries, “my ice cream is probably melting. I should go. But about that coffee-”

“I’m taking you up on that.”

“Good, cause I meant it. How about this afternoon…” she clearly hesitated with to suggest the place. Tom knew what she wanted to say so suggested it himself.

“Our usual place?”

“Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. See you then.”

And they did see each other then. Stacy had arrived before him, sitting at the table they always used to sit at. Two cups of coffee in front of her. By the sprinkle of chocolate on top, he could tell that she never forgot his favorite drink at the little café.

“You remembered?” he smiled as he sat down opposite of her. Just like it used to be.

“Of course.” And so they started talking. About everything and anything. How they had been since their relationship ended. How their families were. A lot of nonsense basically but to them it made sense. They talked for hours. Just like that one coffee turned into two, and then a third. Before they knew it they were taking a stroll around the city and the sky was turning darker. A blink of an eye and suddenly they stood face to face, chest to chest. She stood on her tiptoes as he gently kissed her. Unbelievable how after all these years she still tasted like that cherry chapstick.

One moment they were in the park, kissing while holding hands like some giddy teenagers, the other he was pinning her against his bedroom door. Life just went by so quickly with her. He missed that feeling of spontaneity. Of living every second because he didn’t want to miss a single moment with her.

Then you showed up. With a box filled with memories and so much more. _You were pregnant. With his child._

Like you said, he didn’t have to be involved… if there would be anything to get involved with. But it didn’t make it any easier.

As Stacy walked out the door and he didn’t feel anything in his heart, he realized that this was once again a meaningless fuck. There were no feelings. He thought there had been but that was just the nostalgia. His feelings, his heart, were still with you. But where were yours?

“What can I get you?” the bartender chipped as he wiped the wooden counter in front of Tom.

“Uhh,” He was coming back to reality and the present. He hadn’t even realized how long he might have been sitting there like an idiot. He had been too busy thinking about everything. The last few weeks. How they had gone for you. The future. What he was supposed to do. He just didn’t know.

“Just a pint.” He shouldn’t be drinking, he knew that, but at the same time, he didn’t care. “But make it a good one. Not the cheap shit.”

“Ah, are we celebrating or somethin’?” The bartender picked up a tall glass and started to pour in the golden liquid.

“Yeah,” Tom huffed out, he looked blankly at the glass in front of him. Then at the man at the other side of the bar. He picked up the glass and held it as if toasting. “I’m gonna be a dad.”


End file.
